Dear Franc...

“No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is not upon us. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come on your way, but if it yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee”

Franc,

3 years had long gone, yet some things manage to remain same.

Every detail of that gloomy night is woven, crystal clear in my mind. And the things that we’ve been through, those priceless smiles, happy sound of laughter, and the bittersweet problems and pain that we suffer to remain together. They are all kept underneath me, reawakening each time, a familiar place, scent, song or anything appears from nowhere, visiting me from time to time like a sweet old dying friend who keep on rehearsing her goodbyes.

“Any amount of love you give to someone would be nothing if that love has no foundation, and that foundation would be the love that comes from within. Love yourself first before you give love to someone else. Accept yourself first before you ask someone to accept you.”

If only, someone had told me, hit my head hard on the wall until it sinks and bleeds in my core humanity, I should have save it. But as what I’ve learned and believe, everything happens for a purpose...

You came, for me to realize one thing.

YES, to answer your unexplainable query, we are meant to be, though, just for a very short period of time. As every individual are meant to be with the person with them at the moment, the only factor that is always in question is until when.

NO. We aren’t meant to be, because we are not meant to be together forever. We are destined to be bless with separate lives to be walk on two different directions.

I don’t know how, or even why, nor did I imagine to be with a person like you. It never occurred to me, that I will somehow jump into another relationship, right after my break up, and take it seriously unprepared. Though I had my fair share in this field, I never saw it coming; never ever feel the need for another person’s company.

But then, what made me fall for you?

It’s not love at first sight for sure, yet we don’t even have a long courtship.

Probably it’s because of this wonderful people that surround you with so much love and care and I was so thrilled of what I saw. These people are seem to be genuinely happy and contended, complementing each other. They’re so amazing that it appears unreal to my eyes. They are perfect, just like character from novels or movies doing their job pretty well in portraying a happy family.

I feel ignorant yet amused; I never knew these things exist.

For me, things what appears to be normal are those which are full of hatred, anger, violence, breakup plus unwanted pregnancy. It is all new to me, so like a magnet I was drawn to it. I instantly grow to love them, fooling myself in believing that the reason I love them is because I see every part of you in every part of them.

High in this new found drug, I want to get closer and closer to the source of my new found happiness and contentment, and so I drifted apart from my reality and landed to a crazy idea of being somebody, dressed in another human being, far from what I used to be.

My reality now becomes my mortal enemy. I don’t want to be in it anymore. I want be happy like them. I want to laugh hard like them. I want to be like them. I need to be part of them. I force myself to change everything I have, to have everything I never and will never have. Putting all my worries, anxiety, bad habits, unbearable past, dump and fasten in my dirty closet. I put on the most beautiful, most expensive, most elegant mask with my best foot forward. And so I was please when I am no longer what I used to be, I drastically transformed into a rich, beautiful, well-educated bubbly young lady. A far cry from me. I fit in, blended well, I get used to it, that even myself was drown from the illusion that I created.

What brought us to end?

Probably it’s because I take things quickly, following the trend, never wanting to be left alone, that I never really give much time to think, adrenaline works faster than my fragile mind, giving the satisfying feeling of rush and excitement. I don’t even know if I really love you, or if it’s really love that drives me to be with you. Or if I really wanted to be part of this, or I just feel lucky that after what we’ve been through that night you still save and gave back my respect to myself. Or maybe I’m simply using you for my own purposes and in return, you can ask whatever you want and I’ll give it impromptu.

Or in simple words, because I’m Selfish. It’s all about me, me, being responsible for bringing you in this mess. I allow you to reside in the perfect illusion of us being a happy couple, even though I know what the real deal is. And it’s not only you that I pulled into my deepest lair of selfishness.

“We’re not happy together, but I don’t want you to be away from me. So I decide that we will stay together and be miserable, but happy that we’re not apart.”

And then, as you fall deeply for the person you assume to be me, My real problem came when I started to ran out of idea on how to continue this show.

“The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.”

I never wanted to leave, what I really wanted was to stay, I just want to be happy, not thinking about the future and what lies ahead, not making everything seriously. Be stuck and live in that moment. Let’s just be happy. Happy, Happy, Happy. Were good when things are simple and in order. So let’s just remain that way.

But how can I stay??

When the mask is starting to slip off, starting to fell from my face, going down to my chin, giving you a sneak peak of how horrible I am inside. I started to get scared. I don’t know where I am heading or where this thing will bring us. I have never prepared for this. Which I decided that I need to create a lot more excuse than usual, I need to higher the dosage of lies to its maximum level, fabricating more and more and more lies this time.

You knew there was something’s going wrong, yet you remain calm and gentle, waiting for me to gather my lady balls and spit it out. You feel how I grew distant from you, never wanting you to know even the simplest thing there is about me. But as a coward as I was, I never get enough courage to say it out loud. As you try to make bridges, try to find new way, try to reach for me, I keep on burning them, building walls upon walls

“If you knew that there’s no more way out, don’t ever surrender or admit that you’re up, you should find a longer way instead”

But I can’t believe that I grew tired of this game that I maneuvered. Playing this “catch me, if you can”, Hide and seek sort of thing. I introduce the word “ignore” in my system. In no time this will definitely let your rage out, it will shake and wake up the monster that I planted and chained in you, and make you to realize that you never need and want me in your life.

Believe me and if you do, I never wanted this to end, but it’s the only sane and right thing to do. I want you to leave. Yet, how can you be so bonehead, that every time I’m trying to push you away, to ditch you, you keep on finding your way back. Making it hard for the both of us and around.

Are you really that stupid? Please, at least, I want people to know that you are one fucking bastard asshole who can’t handle the pressure of relationship so you call it quit. You admit it, you feel it, and that I am pushing you away, questioning me hundred times, why I need to do such terrible thing. I am saving you from the tragic ending of this play that I directed, which drastically approaching. I am making it easy for you. I need you to hate me, or even cursed me, call me bitch or slut, so I can save you time mourning about us. I need you to think that I am full of evil, so I can be at peace with myself and be back to my reality. Well, instead, you are really such a pain in the ass, and a one hell of kind moron, you choose to suffer, than to accept the salvation that I’m offering. I can’t understand what made you stay in my living hell where you can just easily get out from it. You will never have a hard time moving on; you completely armed yourself with people that will make it easy for you to pass this grieving stage.

Maybe it’s just because I thought I know everything when in fact I know nothing, I believe too much that I have all the knowledge that I needed when in fact I’m so fuck up, and I didn’t give much time to think, to observe about the differences of each individual, fooling myself with that one idea that I had since 12. I should have dig deep about the forgiving nature of some people. Ironically speaking, when I thought that I am doing a good job at pleasing, when I branded them selfish bitches who judges you badly, once you never meet they’re expectation, much to my surprise, I learned that people are more accepting and more forgiving than your own self, that the only person whose blocking you from reaching your potential is yourself.

And the Beauty of Death came.

Death is the only way of ending things into perspective. Death is beautiful seen by fragile mind, my only open ticket to get out from this wrecked life and relationship. Still a coward and will die as a coward, I am too ashamed, too afraid in admitting that the I am the only responsible person for this tragedy, because of what, because of my plain stupidity, selfishness, and arrogance. Because my ass gets too comfortable when I shouldn’t be as all things have the constant habit of changing. “And the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” I brought this crime to myself and so I can’t have even the single right to regret, but somehow I am. I’ve lost not only me but everything I value, especially you. I am paying a very high price for the things I have somehow enjoyed for a very short period of time. How I wished I could just erase everything, or just hit the “replay button” and start all over again. How I wished I could still be that girl who makes you smile and laugh. I wished I could still be that girl whom you promise to spend the rest of forever. But now all I can do is to wish. How I wished. I made this crap simply to tell you my side of story that you haven’t heard before. I know what you’re thinking, that I am plain stupid in showing up and tell you this. It takes me a lot of courage and realization, and even though how much I look pathetic to you I don’t really care. Cause this is my story. As every story have two sides or even sometimes lots more like mine.

This morning when I was on my way out to work. I hear this very beautiful song, called “Someone like you”.

and somehow, after this long, unending, unbeatable, tiring battle that is chained in my hands, I finally stood up from my ground, not feeling any fear and I just let things to happen, killing every feeling that’s lock from deep within and I hear and tasted that soothing sensation, it soothes me so well, I don’t feel anything at all…

As if my heart finally found its long lost hope and melody, and….

…I heard that you’re settled down, that you found a girl and you’re married now,

I heard that your dreams came true, guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, but I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.

I hoped you’d see my face and be reminded that for me it isn’t over, but it will...

Never mind, I’ll find someone, like you I wish nothing but the best for you, too don’t forget me I beg, I remember you said

“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.” 

I admit that there are days that I’m thinking about us, there are days that I imagine “what if”, there are days that I reminisce all those things that we’ve been through. There are times I find myself sneaking up on your new picture together with her. I would be a hypocrite to say that I finally move on, because deep inside me, even though some things are a little different now, funny, that I somehow feel the same and then the pain follows, and came after the regret and a lot of “what if”.

Sometimes I hope that we are still together, lingering to those sweet memories. Good news maybe is, I recently find the courage to face and make peace with that hope, Finally, though he still visits me from time to time like a sweet old dying friend who keep on rehearsing his goodbyes, well at least now I feel comfortable whenever his around, I can finally look into his eyes while he give me long lectures about us, and I know that he feels assured that any minute from now, he can finally take his rest in peace and I will be just fine.

Our conversation always goes like this... always like this every time...

We talk about how the two of us met, our sweet memories, and then it will always fall to a long silence. And then

Me: (long pause)… sigh… after all this years, somehow, there’s still a part of me that love him dearly, I still love him…

Him: So?? (Answering sarcastically). What’s the matter? Just love him, don’t stop loving him instead…

Me: But... (Hesitating)... I miss Him

And like a wise old men, he always know what to say...

Him: (laughing)... So go ahead and miss him, Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it,

Me: Drop it?

Him: then drop it...

Me: Just drop it? Like how...

Him: Just drop it, same thing the way you’re dropping a heavy load

Me: But why?

Him: and so you can go on ahead and live with your life, believe me dear, his also undergoing the same process as you are

No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is not upon us. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come on your way, but if it yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee

Me: So is this goodbye?

Him: No dear, goodbye is just a part of letting go

Me: (Confuse)... I thought goodbye and letting go are such same words.

Him: (Laughing) they’re are so much different from each other, Goodbye is “I’ll See you again when I’m ready to hold your hands and your ready to hold mine. Letting go is, I’ll miss your hand. I realized it’s not mine to hold and I will never hold it again”

You see my dear,

It took you a year and a half overcoming the denial stage (1st stage), hoping that you two will re-conciliate and be together, but you didn’t, it didn’t happen as what you hope for, so you turn into the next move, turning your loneliness into aloneness (2^nd Stage), you close up yourself to yourself alone, never wanting to be a part of anything.

I hear you cry, how you cursed, almost every night, I watch you suffer, sure you grief enough (3^rd Stage) a very, very sad and tiring process of where you wrote your letters of goodbye, in which you say goodbye to the hopes and future pictures you held of that wreck relationship,

then what comes next,  anger (4^th stage) consumed your humanity , you became angry about almost everything and you didn’t realized at all that it’s included in the process of healing your wounded soul, you rage about the unfairness, vent the bitterness you feel. You became a ferocious beast, fueled by angry that was sewn deep within your heart.

But on top of that, after what you have been through, you prove that your someone, you surprise yourself and show the world how tough and brave you are in overcoming all of this tragedy, you proudly presented your scars from the battle that you have won, you totally rebuild yourself (5^th stage)

and with all the hard lessons you’ve learned from that  experience you get a clear and firm picture of what lies ahead in the future, you finally have done the House Cleaning (6^th stage), and I hope that this will be our last conversation as you are now on Preparation (7th and final stage) for something much bigger and better

Learn about ways to increase your self-esteem and feel good about yourself. You can’t love another person more than you love yourself, so if you want a loving relationship, believe in yourself, and that you’re worthy and deserving of a happy, loving relationship.

And then he bids goodbye and vanish into thin air.

It’s not easy at first, but with constant practice of dropping it and deeper understanding of letting go I slowly learn.

I hope you feel my love and care whenever I’m thinking about you.

I need to let go of the things that I am not supposed to hold on to.

Thank you for making me happy once, and I hope this time, you’ll make someone happier and you will feel happier too.

—Some Quotes from “Eat, Pray, Love”